You remind me of what I really am
by SubtleKiss
Summary: Amira is offered a new job over in Leeds and asks Syed to move away from Walford. Syed is torn, he doesn't know if he can go through with it or not. Can Christian help him change his mind and make him stay?


**Dedicated to all the lovely people on the WFCTGIO thread! You are all amazing people, hope this helps with the black hole guys! (;**

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_Amira: So, what do you think? Would you like to? We can still keep in contact with your family and visit them regularly and on special occasions. _

He couldn't believe it. He actually couldn't believe it. Why was this happening? Why did Amira, out of nowhere, want to move away from Walford? He was lost for words. His thoughts turned to Christian. He hadn't spoken to him for sometime now. Apart from the odd conversation and awkward hello here and there whilst passing eachother in the street, they hardlly spoke to eachother. If they did leave, he'd miss Christian, of course he would but maybe it would be the best for both of them. Syed couldn't bare to be around him, especially when he was with Amira because he felt like he was rubbing Christians face in it and hurting him, especially when she tried to kiss Syed in front of him.

Syed was only managing to cope each day by replaying memories of him and Christian together in happier times in his mind. It was the only thing he could do each day to keep him sane. He knew in his heart, that if they did leave Walford, knowing that he may never see Christian again and knowing that he would probably move on after his departure would break him. He woudn't be able to face Amira everyday and with them living on their own without his family, he would be forced to spend more time with her.

A part of him wanted to move away, to escape. Maybe it would be best for Christian? Christian would finally be able to move on, forget about him. He could find someone else, who could love him back, someone who wasn't ashamed to be with him, someone who he could call his _boyfriend_.

Maybe it would be best for himself too? He would be able to move away with Amira. He could then have the perfect life he always dreamed of having. The gorgeous wife, beautiful children, his own buisness, their own house. He could forget that any of this ever happened. Pretend that he **loves** Amira. Pretend that he's not _gay_. He wouldn't have to face the fact that he loves Christian. He wouldn't have to walk past his flat everyday on his way to work and be reminded of the past.

He knew what he wanted to do, he would miss his family deeply and Christian, but he wasn't doing this for himself.

_Syed: Yes, I think it'd be best if we moved away, we can't live with my parents forever. They need their space too, with having Kamil now, it's good timing. We can still drop by and visit for Birthdays and see them now and again. _

He couldn't believe that he'd just agreed with her but he knew that he was doing the right thing here. The right thing for everyone involved. He was putting everyone elses happiness before his own, it was his specialty.

_Amira: Really? I mean, you would really move away? This job I've been offered, it means a lot to me and I would love to accept the offer, but are you sure? You don't have to you know, you can refuse. We can stay here, I'm not forcing you to move away, it's entirely up to you, it's your decision._

_Syed: Yes, of course I would! We always agreed that we would move out when we decided to have children anyway. This job is obviously important to you, I'd hate to take it away from you. If it were the other way round, I know you'd do the same for me. I really think we should leave Walford and go to Leeds._

_Amira: I love you, you have no idea how much I do!_

She pulled him in for a quick hug and after a few seconds he pulled away._  
_

_Syed: Me too...I love you too._

He avoided looking into her eyes whilst saying it.

_Syed: I better get going to work, I'll be given a lecture by mum if I'm late. See you later._

He put on a false smile and headed straight towards the door.

_Amira: Bye. We'll tell your mother the news when you get back and then we can sort out when we're actually going to leave!_

He knew what he had to to do, he had to tell Christian that he was leaving somehow but he knew he couldn't do it face to face. Rushing out of the house, he headed towards the bench and threw himself onto it_, _taking a piece of paper and a pen out of his pocket, he began to write a letter. A goodbye letter.

He really didn't know what to write, didn't know how to break the news to him or when he should, in the letter. It took him a long time to figure out what to write and he quickly headed towards 15a Turpin Road, placing it inside the letter box. He immediately regretted it afterwards.

He was on the brink of tears as he headed towards the unit, ready to start work for the day.

-x-

Christian was sitting on the chair, drinking coffee. He couldn't remember the events of last night, he only knew that he'd drunk enough to give himself a hangover. He wasn't suprised, afterall, he did go out with Roxy. He always goes too far when he goes out drinking with her for the night.

He heard his postbox rattle, why was Masood out so early? He usually came later on. Walking towards the door he picked up an envelope from the floor, opening it, he began to read.

_Dear Christian,_

_I don't know how to tell you this, I couldn't tell you face to face, it would hurt too much. I decided to write you a letter instead, hoping that it upsets you less this way. Amira was offered her dream job in leeds and asked me to leave Walford and live there instead. I said yes._

_I still love you, of course I do, but this is for the best. You deserve so much more than I could ever have given you. I really hope you find someone who can love you back, someone who you can call your partner. Someone who isn't ashamed to be seen with you in public._

_This is for the best, I'm sure of it. You will finally be able to move on and at least with us both gone, you won't be reminded of the past. You won't ever have your heart broken by me again. You won't shed anymore tears over me again. _

_I won't ever be able to love Amira the way she deserves to be loved but I can try. I'll improve and I'll learn to love her, hopefully. When we have children, I'm sure it will make everyday life and living a lie so much more easier._

_I wanted to leave you something before I leave, something you can remember me by.  
_

_I won't ever forget you and to me, you will always be the love of my life. I will always love you. Promise me you'll look after yourself.  
_

_Goodbye._

_Sy_

_xxx_

Christian was in complete shock, he looked into the envelope and saw a watch. It was his watch. He'd gave him his watch. A tear escaped and ran down his cheek. He clutched the watch tightly, it would be the only thing he would have left of Syed when he left. He collapsed onto the stairs and burst into tears. His heart was consumed with sadness, he needed to see Syed, he needed to talk to him.

_-x-_

Syed was busy working, when he heard someone walk through the door, he could hear footsteps behind him.

_Christian: Are you really going to go through with this?_

Syed, thinking his mind was playing games with him, ignored him.

_Christian: Syed? Look at me._

Syed spun round to face him, he tried to answer but the words just got caught in his throat. In the end, he managed a whisper.

_Syed: Yes, OK. I'm sorry...._

_Christian: And you think that this is best for me? You actually think that once you're gone, I'll be able to forget about you, that I'll actually be able to move on and live my life with someone else? I love you. You're my soul mate. If you go, I don't think I'd _be able to cope. _What's the point in getting up of a morning and actually going outside if your not here? I may as well be dead. You can't just leave. You can't._

_Syed: I'm sorry. Once I'm gone, you'll realise too that it was the for the best, that I did the right thing for the both of us. Just promise me you'll try and move on? Please?_

_Christian: Please don't do this, don't leave. You can't. Running away isn't going to solve any problems. You're always going to be gay. Me not being around isn't going to suddenly make you straight. It'll always be there. You're never going to be happy living this life! Sure, if you and Amira have children, it will take your mind off this for awhile but sooner or later, it'll come back and you'll end up turning back to the one night stands._

_Syed: I have to. I have no choice. I love you, I always will, but I can't do **this** anymore. If we stay and Amira announces that she's pregnant. How would you feel then? I can't hurt you like this anymore. Me, just living here, living around the corner from you, it makes me feel so much worse. Everytime I step out in public with Amira or even kiss her, I feel as if I'm rubbing it in your face. I'm not running away, I'm moving away for your sake. _

Christian went silent, he didn't know what to say. He had nothing left to say.

_Syed: Christian? I'm sorry but I have to leave. You need to understand that I'm doing this for your sake._

Tears began to roll down his cheek and they continued to fall._  
_

Christian looked at him with concern and held out his hand, pulling Syed in for a comforting hug.

Syed took the offer and crashed into him, holding him so tightly, never wanting to let go of that familiar muscly frame. They had barely been in contact for the past couple of months, but one hug had made him fall in love with him all over again, bringing back all those familiar feelings.

Within seconds, Syeds tears had soaked right through christians shirt.

He pulled away from the hug and cupped Syeds face with his hands, looking into those beautiful, chocolate brown eyes, which had already shed so many tears this afternoon.  
Christian gazed into his eyes, attempting to try and get into his mind and read his thoughts.  
He couldn't tell though, Syed was being quite subtle.  
He was vunerable right at this very moment and Christian didn't want to push him too far. He released his hands from Syeds face and took a step back, giving him his space.

Without thinking, Syed quickly grabbed Christians hand and pulled him closer, they looked at eachother, their eyes locking together.

Christian wanted Syed to make the next move, he didn't want Syed to get scared and for it to push him further away.

As if reading his mind, Syed hesitated and slowly leant in for a kiss, whilst looking at Christian.  
Their lips crashed together, neither of them had forgotten how the other tasted. This all seemed too familiar.  
As soon as he felt Syeds luscious, perfect lips meet his, Christian decided to take control.  
He was so deep in the kiss that, without thought, he pushed Syed against the wall, hard. Syed moaned, with a smile lighting up his face.  
They were both breathing so hard, their breaths ragged.

Christian was the first to pull away from the kiss, leaving Syed confused.  
He gently stroked his thumb over the corner of Syeds mouth, looking concerned.

_Christian: So, what happens now?_

He had to ask, he didn't know were Syeds head was at, what was he going to do next? Would he pretend, by going back into denial mode and say that the kiss was a mistake? Or would he finally be able to be true to himself and tell Amira?  
He really didn't know what to think....

_Syed: I'm still going to leave_. _Everytime I see you, I always manage to break your heart. I can't do it anymore_.

His heart was telling him to stay with Christian but his head was telling him to walk away from him. He went with his head, it physically hurt him to walk away but he managed to get to the door. Taking one last look at Christian, he walked out of the door.

_Christian: Syed! Wait! _

It was too late....he was already gone....

_Christian: I love you....._


End file.
